I'm pregnant (I'm not pregnant by the way!!!) If you're still reading thanks...please stick through to the end-this is/was a very hard blog to write about. I in no way am upset or angry that anyone is pregnant, has kids, etc...
As a woman I have been told those words by friends, family, coworkers, and Facebook-and as a sister in Christ I am so happy for them...their world has changed and they are blessed beyond measure to be able to carry/have their child; but for those of us who have experienced miscarriage or infertility issues those are some of the hardest words to listen to because it stirs inside that void that we feel in our souls.
I have wanted kids since I was little (because let's face it, every thing we are taught foreshadows me having kids)...It's part of my purpose on this earth, right? So when I got married and I figured the next step would be kids; naturally that's what we are told-get married, get a house, have kids, live happily ever after, right??? Dang Disney/hollywood and their fairytales.
So on December 24, 2013 we were beyond thrilled to tell our families that we were expecting (finally it was our turn)...I was in disbelief. I made Ian go get extra tests because I have been told all my life that me having kids would be next to impossible-I know doctors are not always right and I have faith in a higher power than what a doctor tells me, but still I was shocked. Besides being ecstatic I was somewhat worried/concerned because I wasn't sure what to expect. I wanted to get into a doctor as soon as we could, but no one was available until after the new year...I just kept praying for our child. We went to the doctor and he confirmed that we were about 8 weeks pregnant (yes we had already told family-how could we wait 3 months??) The doctor didn't want to do a sonogram because it was still early....looking back now I should've pushed for him to do one, but I trusted the doctor. We had one scheduled for later in January. At the appt. we were anxious-when the time came, my heart sank-silence, nothing, not a flutter, I tried not to let the tears begin in the room and the doctor could see the worry on our faces. He tried to calm our fears and was saying we would come back in a week and check again-maybe I wasn't as far along as he had first thought. So with the joy of being pregnant looming in the air we left the doctor's office in a cloud. So we were scheduled for that next Monday but when I woke up in pain I knew in a instant what my body was doing. In those moments I begged and pleaded with God to make it stop and for it not to be true, for the pain to stop and it all be a dream. I hated my body at that moment, despised my body-why was it doing this to me? Ian drove to the clinic as I wailed in pain and we sat in the doctors office (for what seemed like eternity) waiting to be seen. As we sat some couple came in (they had just found out they were pregnant) and the guy just kept complaining about his gf being pregnant (we were back in the private waiting room with these two people and as I sat there and cried; all I wanted to do was yell at him-it wouldn't have made us feel any better, but that's what I wanted). So doctor examined me (confirmed what was happening) and sent us over to the surgery center-most of it is a blur because the pain was so unbearable (overheard the nurses telling Ian I was in labor-what labor how/why would God allow this) I came through the surgery and we returned home to our life, feeling an emptiness (how could I love something so much I never had?). I was shocked by the emotions I felt-definitely experienced the stages of grief on numerous occasions (and still do experience the grief today)
It was very hard on both of us-having to tell people we lost the baby; having to see friends/family with their kids (yes we are happy for them), walking by the baby department, seeing commercials, being on FB-I mean everything brought back the pain, the loss, the emptiness; walking into a room and seeing baby gifts we had already gotten-you cannot imagine the pain and hurt unless you've experienced it. I was comforted by the messages I received (not realizing how many had experienced the same loss)-I still talk to some today about it. I never would have thought losing something that I had never seen or held before would cause me so much hurt and create a void in me. I began to understand others pain when they experienced miscarriages.
And while I'm being transparent let me just let you into my thoughts (this is hard for me and please don't bash me for my thinking, but yes I have thought these things and I'm hoping what I've been through will help someone who's going through it now or later)-
Why do they get to have a baby, it's not fair; They aren't married; They already have several kids; they can't take care of the ones they already have; what's so special about them; what are we doing wrong; what's wrong with me; am I being punished for something; what do i need to change;
Fast forward to almost the 2nd anniversary of finding out we were pregnant. I thought I was doing good, I thought I was healing, then I guess, God wanted me to know I was not completely healed and was still struggling immensely with this loss and pain. See, all I see around me are babies and pregnant women (please don't assume anything-I am beyond thrilled and happy for everyone who is pregnant, it just reminds me that I am not chosen(just the way I feel)!!)
Now here is the one word I would keep saying/thinking.....WHY??? you see it seems when things happen that we don't understand that is the one word we ask-sometimes we demand to know why and if we never learn why we become hard and bitter because we don't want that pain ever again. I have become hard, bitter, hanging on to the hurt/pain because it's all I have left of our child.
BUT....As I was driving home tonight a Christmas song came on the radio...(I can't remember the name) but it talks about how when the angel came to Joseph, he probably asked the question why me. Why a lowly peasant when there were all the rich rulers in the world; and I felt a prick on my heart (which honestly has been a little hard lately).
I've asked why us, why did we lose our baby so many times I couldn't count...and then I thought well...why not us? You see I fully believe God uses everything that happens to us for the better of His kingdom...I fully believe this was God getting my attention off the pain and anger and putting my focus on a purpose for this loss. Why did this happen changed to yes this happened how can I/we use this for God's mission. I mean why not us, evidently God had a plan in the loss and for 2 years I missed out on opportunities to be used by God, I don't want to miss anymore!
It's all about my perspective/focus. I've focused on the pain/hurt/confusion for almost 2 full years now...I can't do it anymore-I have to change my focus!! So instead of asking Why again and again-I'm going to try to focus on how God wants me to use our experience to help further his kingdom and help other people who might be going through this kind of loss.
Even as I sat here and reread what I wrote I cried ( I hate crying!!). If you have stuck with me this long, thank you so much!! Please leave your comments and share if you like.
Grace Wins!!!
